A friend of mine had a bit of a spat with her boyfriend the other day. As every detail began to unfold, I found myself attempting to suppress laughter that was so desperately trying to escape. While I won’t go into detail about their argument, as to not to put all of their business out there on front street and basically respect, I couldn’t help but smile and be happy for them in this time of what could only be described as a “terrible” spat.
In light of my friend’s current situation with her boyfriend and having just celebrated Thanksgiving, I am so amazingly blessed beyond words for my boyfriend. During my moment of reflection, I am even amazed at how far my boyfriend and I have come in our relationship; as friends, during our dating years, and even during the short time we have been relationship. When some of the friends we have (single, dating, and some even relationship) say that we are their favorite relationship couple, my heart smiles. I feel so honored that our friends feel we are even deserving of being role models for them in a relationship. Now I’m not saying that we have it all together. Trust me when I say that we are far from perfect, but we are constantly improving and working toward being better people for each other and for our children.
He and I have had our share of arguments, and in “that moment” of us arguing, there were times that I thought we wouldn’t get past it, but I have learned the benefits in having “spats”, arguments, rifts, or whatever you want to call it, can lead to a happier relationship. I guess that’s why I found myself laughing. Not only because the spat is minor, but mainly because there is so much good to come from this; the lessons learned in marital disagreements lead to happier relationships. I know you may be wondering how a relationship can be happier, if spouses are arguing. Well if two people can get past themselves in a disagreement, they will be able to see the one true benefit and beautiful gift that lies within the argument itself…the gift of vulnerability.
Relationship is a big deal. It’s a lifelong commitment that requires selflessness, compromise, and the most important characteristic is vulnerability shared between one another. Vulnerability is something that is often seen as weak, however if you put it into perspective, you can see the beauty in this. The person that you decide to spend the rest of your life with is the one person who has become completely transparent to only you. They are completely vulnerable and are susceptible to being hurt, but showing you who they are, including all of their flaws. They have literally torn down a wall that perhaps has been built since puberty for fear of being hurt, and emotionally damaged.
If you take the time to recognize that this person (although you can’t stand them while in the midst of a minor trial), this is the person that you believe with all of your heart is special enough for you to be completely raw with. You have shared, hopes, dreams, failures, successes, etc. that you have never shared with anyone else. This is the person you know will guard your heart, and has your back and there is something to be said about that. The one true gift of vulnerability is an indication of just how special you are to your partner. It’s a rare gift, just like unconditional love. It is hard to find in person, but for one who realizes this amazing gift that has been shared, you begin to unlock the other beautiful mysteries within your disagreements.
Once the gift of vulnerability is discovered, it is easier to move on the next lesson which is basically self-reflection and walking in the other person’s shoes. Recognizing vulnerability, softens ones heart to the current dilemma at hand. It helps you to start the process of empathizing with your partner and seeing things from their point of view. Walking in another person’s shoes is not exactly the same scenario you have set up in your head of why they are reacting to the situation the way they are. You will find that by fully immersing yourself into their thought process, feelings, and viewpoints on the matter, you will find there is some validity into why they are reacting or behaving the way they are. If you are able to get past yourself, and become more partner centered instead of self-centered, you are reinforcing the concept selflessness and compromise which will become a staple within your foundation of your relationship.
Having arguments or “challenges” within any relationship, even in a relationship, is inevitable. It’s going to happen and sometimes it is necessary. We can all use a little self-check from time to time and a little self-evaluation has never hurt anyone. Having discovered the joy in vulnerability in a relationship, in my opinion, is where the beauty in arguments lies. This discovery can help lead to happier relationships because they force people to look within themselves, to reflect on their role in the current situation, and to become considerate of their partner’s feelings and to be selfless. I say this because I had to learn these lessons myself. Once these lessons are put into effect, you begin to argue less as goes against the foundation of compromise and selflessness.
Again, my relationship is not perfect, however my boyfriend and I have worked damn hard to be in the place we are in. By hard work, I mean establishing our friendship and strengthening that friendship before anything else. Focusing on God to help us remember that no matter what comes our way, to remember that we are friends first in everything and in every aspect of our lives. I don’t know anyone who has the perfect relationship. What I do know is that a relationship is made up of two people who constantly forgive one another because of the vulnerability that each other possess and the fact that they have shared one of the most intimate qualities that a person can share with another person.
What I do know is that having disagreements can lead to the discovery of the gift the your partner has shared, it leads to self-discovery and self-evaluation which fosters a better relationship between couples and enables more of a mutual understanding and in turn can lead to being happier in your relationship. For all of my relationship friends, the next time you and your spouse quarrel, take some time out and so some soul-searching. Think about the reason you relationship this person, think about how the reason why you chose to be transparent with this person, why you let them see the vulnerable side of you; why you never shared it with anyone else.
Then think about the fact that you are the only person they decided to share that part of themselves with. How important and special you are to them; that they trust you with the most intimate part of themselves with you. I guarantee that once you become focused on that, you will discover its beauty and realize the most important thing despite the situation is the love you have for each other. #Find your Joy!