Going to bed mad

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heart in sand getting ex backAt some point in time during the course of any relationship, but primarily during relationship that couples should not go to bed mad or upset. While this is the best advice when it comes to conflict between boyfriend and girlfriend, I for one can say this with confidence:

I AM NOT PERFECT AND I GO TO BED MAD SOMETIMES

Back when my boyfriend and I started dating, I always told myself that because we were friends first, in ever there was a time that we would have an argument; we would talk it out so that we won’t go to bed upset. Why? Well for the simple fact that this was advice I’d gotten about how to handle arguments with the people I love. For a while this advice worked, but then it happened…My boyfriend and I had an argument to which I was so upset that I absolutely did not feel like discussing it. So I went to bed upset. The funny thing about it now is that I can’t even remember what it was we were having our disagreement about (Sad, I know). I know that in a perfect world, all things would be smoothed over by the end of the night, but do you want to know something? It’s not a perfect world and sometimes, going to bed mad could be the best step you ever make.

Going to bed upset or angry allows me to do a couple of things. First it lets me get a good night’s sleep. I don’t know about you, but I get in some good sleep. It allows me to rest my not just my body, but my mind, and my spirit so when I awake the next morning, albeit I may still be upset, I’m more calm and can think more clearly.

Second, going to bed mad helps I keep myself in check. In all honesty, when it comes to a full on argument, I never want to say or do anything that I would want to regret. I have seen this happen too many times where two people are arguing and words are spewed out and feelings are hurt only to discover down the line cause for the initial spat was a total misunderstanding. So now what was originally not a serious issue, now develops into something worse because the exchange of expletives, insults, and other dehumanizing obscenities that neither party can take back. I for one would not want to ruin my relationship, friendship, or working relationship because I was too hot-headed and could not exercise restraint of the mouth.

Lastly and most important is the fact that I am able to recap the entire disagreement, context, tone, etc. I do this because there have been times that I have jumped to the wrong conclusion and assumption based on the tone in which something was said to me. By having the ability to think more clearly, I am able to look within myself and see what my role is or has been. Having time to be calm the next morning, I am able to begin the process of introspection; a concept, funny enough, that was given to me by my boyfriend during an argument.

I remember one discussion we had, my boyfriend wanted to really understand me and my way of thinking and to talk about the reason I had been upset with him some time ago. He asked if I was truly mad at him or was it the fact he spoke on a subject that I was sensitive about and it was not him that I was mad at, but my thoughts about the subject matter prior to him saying something. At the time, I was upset at him, but this question honestly made me begin taking a look at myself during those “spirited discussions”

The night I left my boyfriend, I discovered that he was right in his. I had time to think and this was my first moment of introspection. Yes I went to sleep upset that night, but the next day, I was able to see where the true underlying cause of my frustration that caused me to participate in such an argument that resulted in me leaving.

heart puzzled

As a result, I now take the time to look within myself…but of course this is a process that can only be done during a state of calmness. How can anyone in the midst of a quarrel take time for reflection? In an argument, no one is really listening to one another; they just want their point to be heard. For me, I know that my way of thinking is self-centered; meaning I only wants my side to be understood completely. Is it fair? No, but again I am not perfect and it is something I am working on.

For those who are newly relationship, if you find yourself in a quarrel with your spouse, and you have made the decision as a unit to not go to bed angry and resolve the issue, that is great. For those like me, sometimes you need a bit more time. You need a bit more space. Sometimes, you just gotta go to bed mad.